Nicole's Story

Why did you sign up to The Push Up Challenge? 
I signed up because even though it was a physical challenge, I saw the meaning behind it. Mental health has been such a big part of me becoming who I am, because I've had a lot of struggles throughout my whole life. It wasn't just a physical thing for me. 

Mental health is still something that not a lot of people want to talk about. So, they struggle on their own. And it shouldn't be that way. We should be able to openly speak about what we're going through.  

Can you share a bit about the mental health struggles that you've experienced personally? 
In high school, I moved schools and I didn't fit in. I didn't have friends. I got picked on a lot. It was a really hard time for me mentally.  

And back then, I was too scared to talk about it, so I struggled with it on my own.  

From all my bullying experiences, my self-esteem had been a bit shot. Then one after the other, I had relationships which were emotionally abusive and impacted my mental health quite severely. I started seeing a psychologist to get to the root of my problems. I realised that I needed to look after myself. So, I broke off my relationship. Then I met my now-husband about two months later. 

Can you tell us about your experience with postnatal depression? 
Two years after meeting my husband, I ended up getting pregnant with our beautiful daughter, Ellie. They do say that if you've had a history of depression and anxiety and things like that, your postpartum can be a lot worse. Going into it though I thought, ‘It's having a baby, how hard can it be?’ I thought, you just get on with your life. 

I didn't connect with my daughter straight away when she was born. I was told, the first time you hear her cry, you're going to feel this rush of love. You're going to feel so protective of her. And the first time I heard her cry I thought, ‘What the hell have I done?’ I didn't connect with her at all, for a little while. I went through the motions, I did the feeding and the changing and stuff like that, but I was just going through it. We had a little bit of a complicated birth. I was induced and then there was obstructive labour, so I had to have an emergency C-section. She ended up with fluid on her lungs and had to go to NICU for six days. I didn't have that time to connect with her properly, I suppose.  

I think that's what set me up to have really quite severe postpartum because I felt like everything that I did for her, I was failing her. I couldn't feed her. She wasn't settling when we got her home.  

She was quite a clingy baby and I thought it was me that was doing something wrong, but now I know newborns are like that. And to be perfectly honest, I did have moments of, well, if I could just leave her with my mum or take her back to the hospital and just leave her there, because I can't do this. 

I did have a moment where we had to go to the shops to buy an air con unit.  As soon as we got back in the car, I burst into tears. Shayne asked me, ‘What's wrong?’ And I said, ‘I don't want to go home. I don't want to go back to her because it's too hard. I can't do it.’ I really struggled. 

Even my husband didn't know what to do. He was like, ‘Nicole's always in tears. What do I do here?’ He struggled as well.  

I just feel like postpartum is not spoken about. They prepare you for the birth. They prepare you for what happens after, like the feeding and the changing and the formula and all that sort of stuff. But they don't prepare you for what can happen to the mum mentally after the birth.   

What support did you get? What helped you move through it? 
I think it was a combination of things. I knew deep down that I was struggling, and my husband, Shayne, could see that. So he did everything in his power to help me as well. He could only do so much but he would take Ellie to his mum's house or take her out so I could get a couple of hours of sleep, because sleep deprivation doesn't really help. 

I also saw a psychologist. I practised journaling, just to get all my feelings out. And I wrote about my birth story as well, so I have something to reflect on. They say it helps to get it out and put it all on paper and then you can visualise it and just sort of see what you went through and why it happened. 

And my family were just so, so supportive. I had a very strong support system. So I had a good combination of things that helped me to get through it. 

Ellie is four now. She's going to kindy. She's her own little person. 

How would you say your mental health is these days? 
It's definitely a lot easier than it was. I've done a lot of work with my psychologists and stuff like that and found exercises to help ground me in the moment.  

But I do have my days. Everyone has their days. So, I explain to my family at the time if I'm feeling that way, I just say this is what's going on with me. I just need some breathing space. And I find I'm more aware of when it's happening so I know how to try and bring it down a notch before it gets too bad.  

I am on medication to help with my anxiety because it got quite bad at one point, but the medication has helped to bring it down a notch as well. 

I practice mindfulness. I'm still doing my journaling. I speak openly to my friends and family about my struggles as well. 

Tell us about your work as a peer support officer? 
I thought I could somehow help my peers, so I became a peer support officer for my workplace. If anyone wants to have a chat, I'm there. Not a lot of people want to talk about it. If they feel like they want to open up, we have a chat and we go for a coffee, we go for a walk.  

What advice would you give to another mum who was kind of in the thick of it, in a similar place that you were back then? 
I would say to her, you've just got to take the support where you can. It's not always about the baby. Everyone focuses on the baby, but they need to remember that you were the person that brought that little one into the world. You need to breathe, you need to take a step back, and you need to tell your family or whoever you feel closest to that you're struggling, and you need help. Talk about it openly, because that's the biggest thing. 

Do you feel proud of the journey you've been on? 
I honestly am. I'm so proud of how far I've come. I look back to when all this was happening, and I wasn't even the same person. This whole experience has shaped me to be who I am now and has made me so aware of mental illness. It doesn’t discriminate. It can hit anybody at any time. 

Usually, when I talk to people about my struggles, they say, ‘Really? You don't seem like the kind of person that would struggle with that,’ because I'm always quite a chirpy, happy, positive person whenever I'm around other people.  So it’s good to talk about it. 

I'm really proud that I can speak about it openly and try and hopefully encourage others to go, ‘Hey, if she can talk about it, so can I.’ 

What tools and strategies do you use today to maintain your mental wellbeing? 
I like to go on walks. I journal. I use the Smiling Minds app. That is a brilliant free app used for meditation and I love it. I do scrapbooking for my daughter. I like to do a lot of colouring in as well and puzzles on my iPad. 

When I'm feeling really mentally challenged or I'm just stuck and I don't know what to do, I do my exercises that my psychologist taught me. One of them is the five senses exercise. I love that exercise. It's so brilliant. I've actually taught it to my daughter when she gets really, really angry. We do the exercise together and it actually brings her down. When you're stuck in a rut and you just need to calm down, you do the five senses. So, name what you can see, what you can smell, what you can taste, what you can touch and what you can hear. I just do a running monologue in my head and it just really helps to bring me back down. And then I go, oh, okay, things aren't so bad. 

When you did The Push-Up Challenge, what did you feel were the best things about participating? 
The best things I think were just working as a team. I was in a team with a colleague of mine, her mum and her son. We were just encouraging each other, like, ‘Don't forget to do your push-ups today!’ I would put The Push-Up Challenge playlist on Spotify on as well while I did it. 

It was a lot of fun. My daughter would get involved as well and she would sit on my back or do it on the floor next to me as well. 

I think it was just a team camaraderie and everyone rallying around each other to make sure we did our push-ups. And a little bit of banter as well. Like if we hadn't done it, we'd banter with each other and say, ‘Oh, come on,’ you know, have a little fun with each other. It was really good. 

What would you say to someone who's thinking about doing it this year?  
I thought, ‘Oh my God, that's way too many push-ups. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough.’ Because I used to be quite fit and now I'm not so fit. But I got into a routine and I absolutely loved it and I looked forward to it every day. And mentally it really helped because it opened up my mind. I was exercising, I was getting the blood flowing and it was great. 

Do you have a final message of your own around mental health that you would like to share with our community? 

Don't feel ashamed. Don't feel like you're weak because you're struggling mentally. We've all been there. So just make sure you speak up, talk to someone you trust. And just do what you have to do to get through the day. 

Approximately one in five women experience depression, anxiety or both during the perinatal period (this is during pregnancy or the year after giving birth). To learn more about postnatal depression and other perinatal mental health conditions, read the article on our website, ‘Is it the baby blues or do I have postnatal depression?’ 

Read more Lived Experience stories from other Aussies who have been impacted by mental illness.  

Sign up to The Push-Up Challenge.